Sunday morning

It's Sunday morning. All I've been thinking about is writing. I feel almost like I've deserted this, or myself, by not having felt the need to sit for hours on end, analyzing whatever it is that's going on in my world. But there is always something to say or think..

Ever since Friday I've had a stomach bug. Again. And I picked it up when I was in Holland. Again. This time however, it's the runs I've got. I'm not going to go into any details, but let's just say that I never knew it was possible to have it this bad. So eating hasn't been a joy, which is a bummer. Everything makes me feel sick. But all I want to do is eat, but I can't, or not too much anyhow, because it makes me queasy. At the moment I'm just waiting for it to pass. I thought it had, yesterday afternoon, as I was feeling fine again but last night it started again. Anything I've eaten, hasn't been doing any work, or not the work it should do. It means that I've hardly been getting any food into my system so I'm feeling drained and tired. I hope it passes pretty soon, because I can't afford to be going for days without getting any goodness from eating.

But it's just a minor hick-up. It's not like the last time I had it. That was 2 months ago and then it was a great excuse for me not to have to eat. But now it's not. It's not making me feel any better but only worse. It's really not major at all, but it shows that I do need, want and enjoy food and miss it when it's gone. There was a stage when I would have welcomed a stomach bug.. anything not to eat. Not anymore though. That feeling has gone. I need all this food, to keep on building my strength and to do things and to feel good. I never thought I'd hear myself say that, but it's true.

The worries I had on Wednesday night, as to whether I should or shouldn't start back on the supplement drinks, after being off them for a week, have gone. Thursday night, I thought I'd just see if I was hungry, at 9 o'clock at night and if I was in the mood for one. But I wasn't. Ever since Friday I haven't worried or analyzed them. The thoughts still make me feel sick, just like drinking did, on Wednesday night. I don't crave them, as I did a week ago. They aren't calling me from the fridge. They are just there and I don't want them. I'm not falling down in a heap, because I'm missing the calories. I don't go to bed hungry, which used to be the case. But all the other food, is satisfying me.

Last night, when I was starting to feel sick and drained after dinner, it brought up some stuff again. This time, it wasn't bad thoughts about others or about me. But it was about getting out of here. Surprise surprise. Nothing new really. It always seems to come up more so on a Saturday night than any other night. Because that's the time I love to be out and going wild the most. As I'm lying on the couch, watching some more tv, as per usual, I can so easily get down about it all. But then I started thinking about how I was feeling a few days or hours ago. And there was no panic then, or anxiety, or stress about how and when I can leave and go travelling again. I didn't need to stress about it, because I knew it was going to happen. So why, suddenly, do I then start panicking that I'm trapped here in Arklow?

The fact that I saw it, made me calm again. I could see why I was panicking and I also knew that it wasn't a necessity. Nothing more or nothing less is going to happen if I do or don't stress. Maybe the fact that I wasn't feeling too good, physically, didn't help matters. So I just wanted sleep, and it turned out to be another night from hell. But even so, I woke up and wasn't hating the world. Which would have usually been the case, after having silent panic attacks followed by a bad sleep. But no, I was okay.

I simply have to be. I'm secretly pushing myself, but not too much, when it comes to the effect my thoughts or the people around me can have on me. I'm constantly picking myself up and getting on with things. If I don't, then there's no way out and things look pretty bleak, no matter how happy I feel about being able to pick myself up again, without becoming emotional or depressed. But that's normal. So I don't need to analyze it. It's as it should be. And I'm only doing what I'm feeling comfortable with. Which sometimes feels like a lot, but in a good way.

So for now, I need to take it easy. Wait for this dreaded bug to pass and maybe lie in bed all day or just watch telly. Whatever. And tomorrow off to Diann. I'm not bursting and I'm not in despair. I'm okay for now. Which is nice..considering the fact that I'm not eating the delicious foods that I'd usually have..I can't because there's too much fibre in them and that's something I don't need right now. So no muesli, no orange juice, no prunes, no fruit and fibre and no normal fruit. But it's not freaking me out. So all is good.