Monday - What a day

Monday came. By this stage, it felt like I'd been away for weeks and weeks. Monday should have been my last day in Holland and I thought I be going to sleep in Ireland, in my bed and I thought Tuesday I'd have all my food again. I'd have my yogurt, muesli, nuts, seedy bread, salmon and brown rice. I'd be going to Diann again and I'd be able to lie in bed for as long as I want.

Funnily enough, the day started off pretty good but took a few "interesting" twists and turns. I got up and was taking it easy. I had some All-Bran for breakfast (which by the way, has been having amazing effects on my bowels..I won't go into too much detail, let's just say I've been feeling very light). I sat about the house, did some reading and went to see Natasja and her little baby Lana. It was a short walk, and it was snowing. It was so gorgeous, the fresh snow and the sounds it was making, crunching underneath my boots. It didn't even feel that cold. I did think that it might effect our trip back, as we were flying at 9 o'clock in the evening. But hey-ho, no point in worrying about that, time will reveal all, as it always does.

At Natasja's, it was so nice. We had some great chats and her little girl is the cutest thing. The last time I went to see her, was in November. That was the difficult weekend when I wasn't feeling too good. But yesterday it was sooo nice. I was feeling fine with opening-up to Natasja about how I've been doing, about how the weekend was, how I was feeling with food and people. I didn't feel like I was exposing myself and I wanted her to know about it all. In a way it was such a relief to know that I can still let other people into my "head", through talking and not only writing. I now know that I can talk openly to other people who are close to me, other than Ma and Diann. For so long I simply couldn't. It's such a reassuring sign to know that the thing I always stressed about, analyzed and even occassionally feared the most, which was not being able to talk honestly and openly to the people I love about how I'm feeling, hasn't gone and it will only get easier.

Also chatting and being around someone who is my own age, who isn't family and who was in my life before Anna, was so nice. It showed me, that I'm still me. I'm still able to have fun. I'm still able to enjoy myself. I'm able to engage in other peoples lives. I can't put into words how great this all can be. Just like it felt on Sunday when we were with the 4 of us. These are all such little things, and to most people insignificant things. But to me, they mean the world and I appreciate them so much. They make me so happy. Not only the people who are still there and who I can always rely on and who can also always rely on me, but just the way I can feel about it all. About everything. I know that I don't need a lot to feel good. Not at this stage anyhow. Right now, I'm just so happy with all that I've realized, seen and felt since Thursday.

Afterwards I went back to Orla's to pack my bags. I had a good bit of paperwork, clothes and bits & bobs to sort out. Things that I'd be needing in Ireland and things that I didn't want to be carrying around with me forever. It took 2 hours and the things I came across.. Some old photo's. Some old writings. Some old clothes that have sentimental value.. But after sorting out what I needed and wanted to bring back and what I had to throw out, I felt a little bit lighter again. Which was nice. I had my backpack too, which I filled with clothes to bring back with me and just using it again, was the best feeling in the world. I knew I'd soon be packing it to go travelling again. I actually felt, yesterday afternoon, as if I was preparing myself for a big journey. I don't know where I was planning on going, but I felt like I was leaving for good. And it felt great and made me so happy..

We left for the airport at 6 in the afternoon. All day, there had been warnings on the news that the weather in both England and Ireland was pretty bad. The airports were all effected by the snow, but it had stopped snowing in Holland, so I didn't really expect there to be any major delays. I wasn't worried. But if I had worried about it, it wouldn't have made any difference. Then when we were waiting for the flight and when all I wanted was to be in bed, Ma got a text saying that the flight had been cancelled.. That was a bummer, to say the least. But giving out stink about the fact that the airport in Dublin was closed due to heavy snow, wouldn't have solved a thing.

At that point I didn't really worry about the next day. Instead we spent at least half an hour running around the airport, trying to figure out how and when we could get on a different flight. It turned out that we had to ring the airline to rebook a flight for either Tuesday or Wednesday. Emma, the darling, came back down to the airport to pick us up. So we hung around and all I kept thinking of, was what food am I going to eat? All day, and even on Sunday, I was so looking forward to the food in fridge at home, that I wasn't feeling to chirpy at the thoughts of not being able to eat. It was like I planned to get through 5 days of eating different foods and not having my supplements and that after those 5 days were gone, I was going to eat the foods are safe and that I enjoy. There was going to be no more issues around food and I could eat what I like.

But not anymore. As we were waiting for the Emma, I sat there, thinking and thinking and more the more I thought about food and what might happen the following, the more I ate, because Ma had biscuits in her bag. I couldn't stop eating. It was like I was storing food, for the next day or 2, when I wouldn't be eating. I don't where it came from. And then I thought I wasn't ever going to stop eating these biscuits. But I had to stop eating. But I had to have them at the same time. Because whenever there's food in sight, and I'm looking at it and thinking about it, I have to have it to stop my craving and to stop me from drooling. But it didn't work like that last night. I was on my third biscuit and I still wanted more. The craving felt uncurable and I really felt like I'd be eating for the rest of my life without ever taking a breather and it didn't feel too good... What was I going to do??

We were back in Emma's at 10.30. I was so tired and just wanted bed. My back was aching from running around the airport and I couldn't help feeling like I'd wasted so much of my energy for absolutely nothing. Which I suppose in a way is true. And the same goes for everyone else, I know. So why should I feel more resentful than anybody else? It doesn't make much sense.. I know having a flight cancelled is something unpredictable and causes hassle for everyone and is also beyond anybodys control, but it just wasn't what I needed at that moment in time. But I couldn't focus on that thought and another thing I couldn't do was take on the stress of it all. I knew it would only make my head go crazy. Once I'd engage with whatever stress Ma was having to deal with, I would have turned so quickly from feeling good to feeling bad. And I wasn't going to let that happen. So I went to bed and I had to forget about it all..

What a day..