Sunday - A meeting with friends

Sunday didn't start off too well. Once I was up and doing things, I wanted to go back to bed again. There was a lot of pressure for some reason. Even though I was doing all the things I needed to do, to keep me calm, everything still was so hard. I went back to bed, because I just couldn't be around people. I had agreed to meet up with the girls, Natasja, Wendy and Janneke. So I needed to save my energy for that and didn't really want to take on doing anything else.

I was suddenly feeling the stress of being in Holland. It was like, okay, now I've been here for 3 full days, I've adjusted, without really wanting to adjust and now I want to leave. I wanted it to be Monday, I wanted to go back to Ireland. I didn't want to be sucked into the stress of just trying to be and live and fit in properly in this country. I was really feeling it on Sunday morning. Maybe because I was so tired from the past 3 days. Maybe it was me secretly feeling okay with being here, but not wanting to be here and scared that I might feel more comfortable living at this pace of life, when really its not what I want. Because I noticed it's so easy to pick up to pace of life in Holland, now that I'm getting stronger. I'm talking about planning a day, meeting people and committing to being somewhere at a certain time. Having to constantly think ahead, just to make it through the day and just to have done something productive.. Look, there it is, the dreaded word. Everything has to go by the clock and everything has to fit in neatly, or else the world might stop turning. On Thursday I had a slight adjustment problem and didn't feel too safe being here. I felt awkward and out of place. But that settled pretty soon and I got in to the rythym of life here. I had to pick up the pace, just because I could. Or so it felt anyhow. It was like I couldn't slow down, because I now have more energy to do more things. So why would or should I even consider fighting against the pace??

This all sounds pretty vague, but on Sunday morning it was hard for me to look at how everyone else around me lives their life. It was hard to bear, and the fact that I was supposed to go along with it, frustrated me even more. I know it was my own choice, so that was fine, and it was also my own doing, but still. There simply is no other way to be, than slotting every little thing you do in a day, into the great "scheme of thing" in order to fit in to this way of living. I got all teary and I didn't want people pulling on me. I wanted to be alone, but I couldn't. I wanted to meet up with the girls, so I decided to get on with it. I had to get myself up and ready and I knew that it would be worth it. Even though, for a few minutes I seriously contemplated cancelling, but I didn't. I could do it, and I did.

First I went into town with Emma and Orla and the little bubba's and then I met up with Natasja, Wendy and Janneke at 4. It was so nice and I'm so glad that I didn't back out at the last minute. It's amazing what someone can do, when they put their mind to it. But I didn't really need to put my mind to it, because it was all so effortless. It felt like I'd only seen them last week. But that's always the way. We chatted and laughed and I was feeling so good. As I sat there, I seriously didn't know why I was feeling so wary that morning, about meeting up. It was like old times. I didn't even feel like I needed to be a certain way. Just being in their company was enough. It was reassuring and it made me feel alive again. I was able to talk about the move on Friday and about quitting my job and about Ireland. I was fine with it all and didn't feel overwhelmed. We sat in the pub for around an hour and a half.

Something I've missed so much too.. Sitting in a pub.. It was great, with friends and tea and not feeling alien or paranoid or exhausted or sad. It reminded me of the main reason why I'd want to stay living in Holland. And that's to be close to my dear friends and sisters. Those are the reasons that drew me back in the first place and it would be so easy to go down that road again. Because isn't that what they say: "the people around you and the relationships you have, make your world".. That's the thing I've missed the most, since leaving Holland back in June. Being close to them and being apart of their lives. I know that distance really doesn't matter when it comes to friendships, but still they are friendships of a different level almost. Things that come up from day to day, aren't spoken of. Things that make them happy or sad from week to week, are things that are forgotten about or suddenly seem insignificant, when really they are everything but insignificant. That's the thing I miss so much. But it's not going to help matters by dwelling on it. At the moment, things are as they are. The way I felt on Sunday morning, was like the confirmation I needed. I knew that if I wanted to, I could fit back into living a life in Holland, but it also confirmed that I don't want to fit in anymore and that's more important. It simply didn't feel good.

On Sunday afternoon it did feel good though and that was because of the girls and because of my sisters and Enya and Aiden and Sandra and Naomi. In such a relatively short space of time, I had so many great encounters with the people the are most important to me and who have been for the majority of my life, that it seemed strange for me to be leaving and to still feel happy about everything. A place where I haven't half as much as I have here.. Or so it may feel. Maybe I have so much more in Ireland, on a daily basis, than I would do if I were to slot back in to life in Holland. In Ireland I have Ma, Eileen and Sean. I have Diann and I have Acupuncture. I have peace, I have books. I have no stress or pressure. I have the opportunity to feel at ease and to branch out or withdraw if and when I please and I have the freedom to fill in every hour as I please. That could be the reason why I still wanted to go back to Ireland even though I'm not going to be as close as I'd want to be, to the people who once were and could so easily again, become my world. The things I have in Ireland must be the things that I cherish more, at this moment in time and also the things I need more right now.

We said our goodbyes and I was so happy to have gone, that I didn't regret a thing. The weekend was nearly done, now all I needed was food, rest and some peace. I had dinner at Emma's house and then went to Orla. I was pretty tired by that stage and wanted my bed again. I didn't really want to speak and I had to place myself in a bubble. Which was nice, because it was just me, myself and I, even if I wasn't alone. I was happy with the way things were going and I would be even happier once I was back in Ireland. I never imagined I'd hear myself say this, but I was missing my writing and I was missing focusing on me. I don't care how selfish that sounds. I've been so used to concentrating on making progress, through this blog and through taking my quiet-time and through taking time to learn, that I've missed it and I was starting to feel anxious that I was undoing a lot of the good I've done by "giving" more of myself over the past 4 or 5 days and spreading my energy and attention than I've been used to doing, over the past 6 or 7 months. But I've felt that it's something that I still can do and enjoy, but at the same time can feel odd as I'm scared that I won't be able to get back in to my own routine of recovery again.

Somtimes I ask myself if I still need that or if this weekend has just shown me that I can slowly start to break away from it. But in a way, I was already starting to break away from my daily routine, of writing, resting, eating and reading. Because I'm walking now again too, and not sleeping in the afternoon and not worrying about food 24/7. So the recovery can still continue, but it will change as I get stronger. Because I'm needing more. The difference between being in Holland or in Ireland, at this stage of recovery, is that in Ireland I can do it at my own pace. And I can be as I want. In a way I'm able for more, back in Ireland. I can find my limits easier and push the so-called barriers more too. It's because everything is familiar and I'm there to finish this stage in my life. A weekend in Holland is okay, as long as I remember it's only to "test the water" and to see everyone again. That's all.

So Sunday was another day full of different things. I needed sleep so badly. But I couldn't really, not properly anyhow.. But I was nearly there..