Remarks can never hurt

As I sit here, just back from my daily walk, thinking about how the weekend went and if, when or how things might have effected me, or triggered Anna in any way, then there are only 2 moments I can recall, where she made an effort to sneak in, even if it was through the "upstairs back window", without succeeding.

The first moment was on Saturday night, when we were in the pub. I was chatting to Shellie and Kate about work and travel..nothing really in particular. I had managed to keep the subject of each conversation with Kate, away from me and my daily "doings". After telling her in the car that I wasn't working and then managing to leave every other detail of my life at the moment, just hanging in the air, was good. But then she came back to subject and said.. "But Niamh, what do you do all day, if you don't work, you're not a lazy-bum are you?". That kind of threw me off.

Usually I would have tried to justify my doing-nothing-day-in-day-out to anybody who asks. And for a split second I felt worthless and a waste of space, for answering that I don't really do much. My exact answer was: "I really couldn't say, I do loads, but I don't really know what.." I knew deep down that I'm working hard everyday to get back on my feet again. Because right now, I'm only just getting my energy back and I love waking up every morning, to start another day in which I get a little stronger and put some of my new-found energy to work. But, seeing as though Kate doesn't really know what has been going on, it didn't feel right to sit there and justify my every waking hour to her, just for me to feel like she wouldn't be judging me or thinking that I'm lazy. For a few minutes I felt awful..because that's what I would usually feel like, for not working and of course she must think less of me for not doing anything.

I could see pretty clearly (even with a few glasses of wine) that it was only Anna doing what she used to do...which is making me feel like a slob for not being active or pushing myself. Usually I would have given in, and agreed with any thoughts that Kate might suddenly have of me (even though she never said that I was lazy or anything..but that's just me trying to think for her..which is impossible) or any of my old thoughts that would crop up.

The next day, her question did play on mind and it tried to muck me up and make me feel down, but I didn't give in. As I just said, I know what I've been doing all these months and I know that I'm not lazy and I know what's going on with me and that's more than enough. Justifying myself to anybody, is just a waste of time and energy. If she judges me for that, then so be it. If she did or not, I don't know. But, as I've been telling myself over and over again.. I'm independent from other peoples' opinions of me, be they good or bad. And hers doesn't matter to me either.

The second moment when my head started to feel slightly muddled, as Anna tried to make an entrance, was on Monday afternoon. On Sunday, after all the eating, I had been thinking about the next day and how all the food might make me want to restrict. So come Monday morning, I was hungry and had some cornflakes. At the airport I didn't get a chance to eat, but I wasn't hungry. Then I started to slightly freak-out that if I stopped eating for too many hours, that I could start to feel better about myself..which is where the compensating creeps in. But I figured if I wasn't hungry and the opportunity hadn't arisen for me to eat, then I wasn't in restraint.

But then in the car, driving down from the airport back to sunny old Arklow, Ma asked me about food. I was okay talking about it, so I filled her in on everything I'd eaten. But this is where the second moment suddenly hit me.. Ma said.. "God, you really did push the boat out".. Ouch.. that hurt. Up until then I hadn't felt bad for all the eating, but that remark made me feel like a pig. Because she was right, I had pushed the boat out and I had eaten too much. And to make matters worse, I had enjoyed it and didn't feel guilty at the time. Surely that must mean I was a bad person. How come I couldn't see that at the time and how come I needed a remark from Ma to make me see what I had done?

So, that did feel like a downer on the whole good-feeling I had been having about feeling fine with all the eating I'd done and the bad feelings that didn't come up. Well, not until that remark anyhow. I could nearly see it happening. The remark, triggering the bad thoughts. But I couldn't let it coax me into not having a proper dinner (which is what I would have usually done, after stuffing my face for 2 days). It could have easily gone in that direction. It would have been easier at that moment...

To deal with it however, I had to take a step back and ask myself over and over again, why did Ma say that "I had really pushed the boat out?" Did she think of me as being a pig? Did Ma think that I was going to be restricting myself whilst being away from home and finding myself in difficult circumstances? Did Ma just think that that amount of food is a lot for anyone..either with or without having had an eating disorder? Whatever the reason for this remark was, I didn't want to let it ruin my goodness. So I started to compare it to the remark that Kate made, about me not doing anything all day long.. From their perspective it's something that they wouldn't feel either comfortable with doing. Or they simply might not be able to either not work or stuff their face all day.. The amount I ate over the weekend, probably sounded like too much food for anybody. And hearing that I don't work, probably sounded like pure boredom to Kate and she wouldn't feel happy finding herself in my situation (even though she knows hardly nothing about it..).

These are all just presumptions though. I can never know for sure if that's why those remarks were made. But I do know that they stirred up some stuff inside and that usually they would have given me encouragement to get back to my old ways. Even if it were to be only be for a few hours. By either getting busy and frantic and stressed or cutting back on food temporarily. But I also figure that if it was only these 2 little things that tried to muck-up my head, then that really isn't anything to worry about. Because I've dealt with them now, and I've learnt from them.. I'm not a lazy person and I can eat whatever I like and not restrict myself.. No matter what remarks are made. All it takes is a moment to distance myself from the situation and see what exactly happened and that's where the clarity comes through and nothing gets muddled up.. it's all about boundaries again.. No remark can ever bring me down, not if I don't let it..