When to draw the line??

Thursday afternoon..
There is something that has been getting to me, or not so much getting to me, but not feeling right anymore. I realized it yesterday, when I was finished on my blog. I had used the name Anna a few times. Up until yesterday, it had been quite a while since I had used it. And I couldn't shake the feeling of it being not right anymore. I think I'm not supposed to be using the name Anna anymore.

I haven't used the name Fay for so long either. It would feel wrong to so as well at this moment in time. After yesterday it felt like I was backtracking, using that name. Weeks ago, when I was talking to Diann, she said that there still is something there that will try and control you. But it isn't just Anna. It's something larger. Something that doesn't only want to control my thoughts and feelings around food and weight. But it's more than that. Almost like a bigger thing than Anna (of which Anna is or was a part of) that basically wants to put me down in every aspect of my life because I don't deserve any of it. But that's a different issue..

The thing I'm getting at today, is that I can see the difference between the two. And seeing as though I can tell them apart, it seems almost wrong to say the name Anna. Why would I need to use it anyway? I haven't used the name Fay for months and I figure that I shouldn't pay more attention to that more "destructive" side of me than I do that "non-destructive" side of me. Even saying that Anna was destructive feels wrong. I don't really know..

I guess after this weekend, and the past weeks, I know I'm nearly there. I know for a fact that this chapter will soon be closing. And saying the name Anna makes me feel like I'm suddenly trying to hold on to her again.. Like I'm clinging on and that I'm afraid to make the last steps. When really I'm not sure if there are any last steps that need to be made.. It's the same when it comes to this blog. I'm so wary of ever stopping it.. Again, it's like I'm clinging on and afraid to let go. I don't know it that's good or bad, right or wrong. I'm waiting for somebody to tell me that I'm all cured. But nobody can ever know, only me.. I know that I never want to use the name Anna or Fay again, because I've merged the two different "persona's" into one person, who is me and who I'm happy with being. Somebody who is strong, positive, energized, full of life, full of love and full of eagerness to face any challenges life might throw my way.

If I say that it's over and it suddenly appears not to be, then I'm afraid I'll be in worse off place than I ever was. It could still go one way or the other I suppose. But if I don't take the risk, then I'll never know if I'm secure enough to deal with life all by my self.. There are a few examples.. this week I didn't have a session with Diann and I'm fine. I'll be going on Monday again. I'm not bursting at the seams, like I would used to be. So can I slowly break free from holding on to Diann, each and every week? But if I do that, and it turns out that I wasn't over it just yet, and I get muddled again, then I could be worse off. These are all "ifs" and "buts". For now though, not having a session this week is fine.

There's the question that Diann asked me last week, when I asked her if I was all better. She asked: "are you restricting yourself or are you enjoying food?". I'm not restricting and I'm definitely enjoying my food. So with this question in mind, I was thinking back over the eating I did at the weekend. I realized that everyone around me, with normal relationships with food, was amazed by the amounts we were having to eat (even Shellie, and she eats like a horse). All the younger ones were saying they were eating too much and they were saying they wouldn't be able to eat for days. We all agreed that having a few days of unhealthy food, won't harm us..even some of the older generation agreed with us. We all admitted that we were eating because it was put in front of us and because it would be rude to not eat it. We were all on the same wave-length, when it came to all this food.

I've concluded that eating food that isn't the same type or the same portions as you usually would eat, doesn't always make people feel good about themselves. If they are or aren't recovering from an eating disorder doesn't have to come into it. It's normal to not want to eat every type of food, regardless of how it's prepared, and feel good or bad about it. Wanting to eat a certain kind of food, is only normal. People who eat spuds all day every day, wouldn't be too happy eating a plate of rice.. It's the same difference. What am I trying to say with all this food-talk? Well, it's that I had the same thoughts as everyone else, at the weekend. There wasn't anything extra there, that would have usually been there months ago, like say for instance a feeling of non-deserving, guilt, bad thoughts. Or wanting to restrict, wanting to cry, wanting to run, wanting to hide.. Nothing of the kind. Just the same as everyone else. So food is really good for now. And getting through this weekend, and not needing a session with Diann, was huge..

And another thing that has showed me just how much I've changed in the past few months, is that admitting I'm not working at the moment and that it's not really bothering me. If I would have had to admit this to anybody I know from Oz, even 2 months ago, it would have effected my eating, my mood, my doing.. my everything. I remember saying to Shellie over the weekend that I'm not the same person I was, who she met in Oz. To lighten the mood we were talking and laughing at the things I used to do.. like jogging in 45degree heat, while everyone else sat around the pool, sunbathing and drinking beer. Little things like that, which I now can't imagine me doing.

I just don't know. I feel like I want to draw a line underneath it all, but might be getting slightly ahead of myself.. But everything is just so well for now.. One thing is for sure, I'm not going to stress about it anyhow. Diann has told me many times, that I'll know when it's time.. hummm.. we'll see I guess.