Blogging about the blog

There hasn't been day that's gone by when I haven't thought about this blog, since writing last Friday. I wouldn't say that it's hard to break free from it, but it's more the fact that I know I still have loads to write about, but of a different kind. The urge would come for me to log-on, it would nearly be on auto-pilot. What do I do with that? Ignore that urge and keep on winding down the blogging? Or do I go ahead and do it anyhow and not care that I could be making it harder for me to stop? And another question: Why am I talking about this like it's an addiction of some sort?

The main thing is that this blog has been one of the things that has gotten me through. It was, at one point, my reason for getting up in the morning. It was the reason for my eating..I needed extra calories to be able to make sense of things and to have the energy to actually think and type, all at once. It was what made me take rests in the afternoon because I'd be so tired from writing and pushing my barriers at the same time, as I'd be letting the "world" know my darkest nightmares. Everyday, that's all I wanted and all I needed and it was the thing that made me feel good, somewhat alive and sane and the thing that made me also feel I had some sort of a purpose each and every day.

What do I do now then? Do I just carry on through life, and blog forever? If I don't blog, then will I loose my focus and will I forget what a great feeling I get whenever I write (even if it isn't worthy of reading..)? Will I loose my drive, to develop more writing skills? Will I be tempting fate, by becoming detached from what I feel I can do and achieve, as my fingers to the work?? Maybe I should leave this blog for what it is, as I slowly tie-up loose ends, and feel stronger for being able to live and not feel the constant need to write about my days? I mean, who does it? People write daily journals, and keep it to themselves.. But surely nobody keeps track of every little detail that happens by posting it on their own personal website everyday..?? Then again, I suppose it doesn't matter. I can't really compare myself to anybody else, and I can't speak badly of myself for having done this either..

Whenever I think I have nothing to write, I have to think again.. Because I have always got something to write about. Saying that there's nothing to put "out there", is also saying that there's nothing "in here". But when it comes to this blog..me not wanting to constantly be writing on it anymore, is just a sign that I don't want or need to write about THIS anymore. Sometimes there just isn't anything left to say, that could have anything to do with my recovery. I'll be wrapping it up over the next couple of weeks.

The only thing that seems to be worrying me the most, is how much I'll miss it. I suppose it doesn't have to end. Because writing about my life and still having things to say, after having beaten anorexia, just shows that I'm experiencing more and different things again. Which will be amazing. (Not that I wasn't experiencing anything over the past 8 months, because I most definitely was. It was an experience I'll never forget and that I wouldn't have missed for the world.) But writing about other experiences, will be from a different perspective, with a different approach and maybe even for a different "audience". I just never want to stop writing, that's all I can say. And I shouldn't really fear that I will have to. Because, just like this blog, I decide what I write and when I write. It'll be my decision to keep it up and it won't be a chore because it's what I love to more than anything.. So why should I stop?

Cutting down on this blog, really is a good thing. I can't dwell on the fact that I feel like I'm letting myself, or others down, by stepping away from it.. Because I'm not. It will just be me, closing one chapter to open yet another.. An exciting one with a different focus. I can be sure, that not blogging about my feelings around food and my daily thoughts, won't make me relapse. Because if I feel the need to write, then I can. But it won't be for the world to read or to know about. And that's fine. I know how to deal with things, I have the tools, so I can be sure that all will be well. I'll be stopping one thing, to start another, which is the most refreshing thing a person can experience. Especially when the thing that is being stopped, has given someone so much which can only be gained, once haven gone through such a life-changing ordeal.