Untouchable support

This blog, has been all my work. It has saved me, to a certain extent. And for that I'm extremely grateful. But who should I thank, for this? The people from Blogspot.com? That doesn't sound quite right.. I mean, I made the decision! I could have done it without blogspot.com.. Because even when I was really ill and couldn't think straight or function properly, I still knew that I had to set up this blog. It was initially for friends and family in Holland, who wouldn't be around me, but still wanted to keep track of my progress. So should I be grateful to them, for wanting to follow my journey? Most definitely!! If that hadn't been the case, I wouldn't have set up this blog and writing probably wouldn't have played such a large role, in my recovery. And I probably wouldn't have realized just how much I love to write and spend my days putting my thoughts into something that could inspire or maybe even help others. So to them I'm so so grateful.. I cannot put it into words really.

Once I had started, I would never have stopped the writing. If everyone had stopped reading my blog and lost interest, it wouldn't have mattered. I do know that has happened along the way, not that I mind one bit and you'll never hear me speak bad of them. Because I can imagine how draining it would have gotten at times, to read about something so depressing.. And sometimes I do try to place myself on the otherside of the blog.. as the reader.. But that was a hard thing to do.

It's only recently that I've started to have admiration for those who have been prepared to follow my every step. However, saying that, I've also never thought too much about the "otherside" and once my thoughts were on my blog, that was it.. I would never read it back (and still haven't by the way, it's far too painful and surreal). And I couldn't even start to take others people's feeling into consideration (no matter how selfish that might sound). I simply couldn't afford to think of what it might do. Because that would have stopped the whole "flow" of my recovery. I would have gotten too worried of other people's concerns and fears and that would have made me not be as honest and open as I have been. I never expected some people, who have been following this blog, since the very first day, to still be keeping track and to still make the effort of checking in on my recovery. When times were so hard, I didn't even think about who would have been reading my stuff, I simply didn't care. But even having that attitude and being so muddled, the thought that others were following my progress always helped me more than anyone will ever know.

The strange thing about it is, that I couldn't see the support, as I didn't hardly see anybody or hear anybody's voice. But that didn't matter.. That was probably best of all. I don't think I could have done it any other way. So I couldn't see, hear or touch the support, but I knew it was out there and for people to do the smallest deed by reading my writings, was a big part of my recovery. I never expected in a million years to get so much understanding, love, belief, encouragement and wise-words from people I don't see on a regular basis. It just confirms what I believe so strongly in..and that's the fact that distance means nothing at all.. Support can come in so many different forms, even from the other side of the world and it can feel just as strongly and mean just as much, or sometimes even more, as when it comes from somebody who lives 5 minutes away. For people who have such busy lives, and still managed to check in with me, has been overwhelming.

I was talking to Diann last week, about the support I got and she said that a lot of girls could have 10 times the support, but wouldn't see it, for what it is. But taking as much from a text message for example, as one possibly can and seeing that as another reason to keep up the fight or as reassurance that I wasn't alone in the world, made any kind of support worth it's weight in gold. One smile that would be put on my face for a few seconds, during my hours of misery after reading 2 lines in an email, meant more to me than anyone will ever know.

I'm at the stage now, where the smile will last longer, and doesn't hurt my facial expression anymore because the muscles in my face (which were non-existent at one point) are being trained after having introduced laughter and smiles into my daily-doings. Which is another reason for me to get out of bed in the morning, or even wake up with a smile already there. So it's no longer feels or is unusual to smile, but what I'm saying is that I'll never ever be able to smile enough when it comes to thinking about all the love and support I've gotten throughout my recovery. All I want to do is thank people over and over again, but I simply can't. All I can do, is be myself and be there whenever anybody needs my help, in whatever way, shape or form it may be. If I also just live a fulfilled life, everyone will know that they played a part in helping me find my happiness and myself and that they will always be so special to me for having made my world and my life come together as it has done. I chose to take strength from other people's belief in me.

The past few weeks, as I've been telling people about Australia and my plans, everybody has been amazingly supportive. I can't believe the things some people have been saying to me. It's just amazing. Some friends that haven't been following my blog, but know that I wasn't well, have even said things to me that I never ever would have expected to hear them say. They seemed to know so much and say so much truth, that it overwhelms me to read the words that are meant for me. I can't believe that what I feel inside, is also exactly what they can now read in my emails or see or hear and they seem to know what I'm all about. It can blow me away, that they can know me so well, even if they haven't followed my blog. It makes me feel so reassured to hear that they can now see what I can also see and feel. It's so amazing. They are things that I'll never forget and gestures that are meaningful and will treasure so dearly. Right now, I'm seem to be just filled with so much love for everything and everybody, that I'm beside myself..