Enough..??

Everything is going very well. After this week, I'm feeling more and more at ease and am so happy that I'm letting the world know my plans. But, one little thing that I've been asking myself over and over again since my plans for Australia have been coming together.. and that's: When will it ever be enough??

By "enough" I mean, when will I ever see that what I'm doing is already alot, and that I therefore don't need to feel like I'm not doing as much as I should be doing? This has been a subject that I've spoken to Diann about on a number of occasions. And with this in the back of my mind, yesterday, after telling Mr. Acupuncturist my plans, he made those feelings of "never being satisfied by anything I do", all come to the surface. We were chatting about my plans, and he was genuinely delighted for me. But not shocked at all. Then he asked me if I was stopping-off anywhere before landing in Oz. I said that I'd been thinking about India, but that I'm not going to put more pressure on myself and that I'll get there when once I start gallivanting around again. But then he actually recommended I go to India!! I couldn't believe it.. What was he doing to me???!!!!

He's very much into traveling, alternative healing and Eastern medicine (well, that is pretty obvious seeing as though he's an acupuncturist) and he's been to India himself and also knows people who have gone to India for a couple of weeks or months (!!!!) after recovering from one illness or another and have gotten so much stronger by being there. Of course it depends on what you do..if I were to go I'd do a yoga retreat, with meditations and stuff and I'd stay in an ashram for a while (they are special resorts where they practise the arts of Buddhism).

But hearing him say that it would do me the world of good, just brought me into enormous temptation. I just wanted him to stop talking about it, because the more I heard the bigger the urge got, for me to take his advise. So with that playing on my mind, all last night, I got a little frustrated and couldn't see how or when, whatever I do or not matter what I achieve in life, will ever be enough.. I'm already doing a pretty big thing, by going back to Oz but as soon as that idea has settled and I feel fine with it, it's not enough and I want more. I can't help wanting everything, right now!!

Why can't I just ignore what Mr. Acupuncturist said and still feel excited by going to Australia (of course, I am excited, and can't wait for it to happen)..but still..India makes the excitement for Australia feel a lot less. Why does it feel like something small I'm about to do, when really it's not? Diann has spoken to me before about this topic, so yesterday I was constantly reminding myself of what she said.. "Nothing will ever be enough" as we always listen to those thoughts that feed on that destructive feeling of not being able to be happy and fulfilled without always aiming for a major achievement. The underlying drive of an eating disorder.. "nothing will ever be enough". The more I tell myself that I won't be happy, with just going to Australia, the more I forget or the more I overlook the journey and this big step that I'm taking. It sinks away and gets overshadowed by fear that if I don't get out there in the world asap, then I'll never get to do all that I want to. And fear is what the mind loves, it keeps it ticking along and keeps it active..but doesn't serve a purpose. If anything, it throws you off-course and mucks up all that can be done with the great feelings of what living out this amazing day, this amazing life, this amazing dream, right here, right now.. Which is such a shame. And it's so so draining, to say the least.

But knowing what is happening to my thoughts, when Mr. Acupuncturist for example tempts me into stopping in India for a short while, and looking at it from a distance, tells me what I already know.. and that's simply that there is no fear of not doing more and being all that I want to be. There is no fear that I won't get to do it all, once I've been "testing the water", in a country I love so much. As long as I remind myself of the fact that my mind will never be satisfied with whatever I will achieve in this life, then I'll be able to look inside and know that for now, I'm doing what I need and I'm doing what's best for me.

However sometimes the urge of wanting to achieve more, can be good. Because it makes you make your own experiences. That's how life happens. But as long as it comes from within and for love and passion for life and not for fear of not achieving. And the issues about going to India.. I know I'll get there someday. But it simply cannot be my next step. If I get to Oz, and still feel that massive urge of going, then there's nothing stopping me. But right now, it would simply be too much -although we can never know anything for certain, we can only presume..

No matter how much I'd love to and no matter how much I want to do absolutely everything, I still have to think rationally. I don't want to overdo it. I don't want to take the risk of getting diarrhoea for example (like I did a few weeks ago) or a stomach bug, and losing weight and undoing so much good that I've done. My weight still hasn't stabilised. I still need more weight so I'll be more stable and more able to fight stomach bugs or viruses (which are pretty common in such countries) without running the risk of any old stuff being triggered. There's also the vaccinations I'd have to get. I'd need a couple more, and I don't know how my body would react.

Another thing I have to remind myself of, is that Mr. Acupuncturist and his advice isn't always what I need to hear or follow. I remember back in October or November and he was encouraging me to walk, when I knew it was too soon. I simply couldn't walk 10 minutes down the road, without feeling I wanted to lie down and go for a nap. He wrecked my head and made me feel like a failure for not walking or being active. But no matter how much he tried to push and no matter how awful it made me feel about myself, I didn't do it. I cried for days and was in tears when I was telling Diann just how bad it made me feel. But I still ignored him because I would have done myself damage. Even on Monday, when I was with Diann, she brought up that subject and said that me listening to my body instead of Mr. Acupuncturists advice to go walking again (which was what did me so much damage back in June and July), was one of the things that have made my recovery go so rapidly and I' now benefiting from the decision I made back then. I saved my reserves, to rebuild tissue, instead of overdoing it.. it would have prolonged my recovery if I would have listened to him. Instead I'm back on my feet, quicker and sooner than I and everyone around, had anticipated. All because I listened to my own needs and rested.. my physical pain was therefore less than my mental and emotional pain. But that's what was needed and now I can be reassured that I'll always know better than anyone else, what I'm able for.

So with all this in mind, I'm not going to let him influence my decision, my next step, my excitement and my good-feeling, no matter how great an Acupuncturist he is-because he has definitely done amazing work on me. I'm not going to let any thoughts become dark with fear for not doing enough. I simply can't. It's in his nature to be pushy..looking back to my first visit, when I was nearly going to run out of his office because of his forceful approach. As long as I know where I'm at and what I'm doing then I won't loose sight of what will soon be taking place. Once I'm traveling again, I'll be stronger and have less stress, less worries and less pressure to get things done. This will therefore make all the things that I still want to do into more greater and more beautiful experiences..