Daytime thinking ruining my nighttime sleeping - 1

Saturday afternoon. After saying goodbye to Lisa and after having had some delays at the airport, I got back to Dublin at around half 1. I wasn't too tired or hungover after the night before. I was doing good, considering I had a lot to drink 2 nights in a row, only 3 hours sleep on Friday night and also for having traveled. So I was pretty chuffed with everything. Ma collected me and we went to do some clothes shopping for a few hours. I didn't mind, but I wasn't ecstatic about it either. I mean, I was up at 6 that morning, my flight had been delayed.. and then to go clothes shopping. Humm.. Well anyhow, I didn't want to say no, because I secretly think (although me sticking it on my blog means it's no longer a secret) that Ma was testing me. I reckon it was to see if I was able to go away for a few days and be tired and still be able to pick myself up and get on with busying myself with a shopping centre. I could hear Ma's thoughts.. "If Niamh thinks she's able to fly to other end of the world, then this will be walk in the park for her". So I didn't want to give Ma any reason to think that I'm not able for Oz. So I just went with it and I was surprisingly fine!

We shopped for a few hours and then in the car on the way back, Ma confirmed my thinking by asking me: "Well, are you tired NOW then?"..(with the emphasis on NOW...) As if she was deliberately trying to wear me out and wanted to break me down. I said I wasn't too bad. It wasn't the last time she asked me if I was tired or if I was a sleep on the couch that night either.. It was like she was just waiting for me to collapse, so her worrying about me leaving for Oz, would be justified. I know this might sound real awful, me saying all this. But it's better out than in I reckon. I don't know how much of this I'm overthinking and maybe it was just me seeing in Ma what I was really seeing in myself. It was probably my interpretation and also how I was truly feeling about it all because I could have been the one pushing myself, when it wasn't really Ma at all. But just the way she was saying things, made me pick up the wrong signals. Maybe I was over tired and extra sensitive to what was her genuine concern for me. There's a lot of maybe's in there.. so I'll just leave it for now. Because it doesn't really bother me anymore now. It was just that day that it wrecked my head a little.

One thing I'm sure about though, is that anybody in their fullest of health would have been tired about having 3 days of action and party, little sleep (especially sharing a single bed), miles of walking around the city and hours of hanging around the airport and then shopping.. Or is it just me? I reckon it's enough to tire anybody (and in the excitement of being able to go about life without worries, does make me forget that I'm still getting back on my feet and that I'm not 100% there yet..but I'm not too far off..hihihi!!) So I didn't give-in or admit if I was tired and that was just because I knew Ma was watching me. So I sat up and watched a movie, but for hours my mind was playing tricks on me. It was like I was in a zone..constantly in and out of it. I didn't know whether I was dreaming half the time or whether I was really hearing people talking and saying certain things to me. I know now though that I was dreaming them because they were awful things that were being said.

I went to bed at around 11, and that's where the "zoning" continued. But in the form of nightmares for the first few hours. In every nightmare, I was dieing. In the first nightmare, the house was being struck by a tornado, and I was like Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz..wanting to go home.. But I was at home and my life was coming to an end. In the next one, my heart was racing so fast that my chest was going to explode, so I went to Eileen for help but she turned her back on me. The nightmare that followed that one, was where I had tetanus (not too sure if that's the right spelling or not..), which is a condition where you get a ringing in your head whilst finding yourself in certain situations that are uncomfortable, stressful or fearful even. The ringing was so bad that my head was going to explode and again, the end was very near. After those 3, I was beyond despair. I didn't know why I was dreaming these awful dreams. All I wanted was to go to sleep because I was just so so tired. I was nearly afraid to because of the nightmares. Finally I got to sleep and then I was dreaming that I was on hiking, fighting for my life, in the bush somewhere. But I survived. In the next dream I had to be a waitress for a night and I ran myself into the ground, but I also got through it without falling down in a heap. Again, I survived. So first of all nearly dieing, then surviving and being able to live.. very interesting..

I woke up on Sunday morning, delighted to have gotten through the night. I was rested, but not as much as I wanted to be. The dreams were playing on my mind and they freaked me out. All I wanted to do all day, was anything that would have relaxed me. Because that's all I needed. I could literally feel my body crying out for some extra breath. My body felt so tight as if it was wrapped tightly and being held together by a rope, so much so that I was bearly able to move. But sitting down or staying in bed all day, wouldn't have given me what I felt I needed. So I did an hour and a half of meditation and yoga. And afterwards I felt new again. It was amazing. It was exactly what I needed. I didn't feel the need for fresh air or to walk, but I did go out to the country in the afternoon with Ma. Then all I needed was to write. There was just so much. But my head wasn't up for it yesterday. So I let it be and told myself that tomorrow (so that's today) it will still all be in there.

Trying to go to sleep again last night was proof enough that it was all bottled up inside still. Because again, the strangest things were happening to me. There weren't any nightmares. But I felt like I was half asleep and zoning in and out of whatever daze I was in. I went from feeling paralyzed to feeling like I was being electrocuted. It was so scary because I felt as though I was awake and as if it was really happening. Before feeling paralyzed, I felt buzzing in every fibre of my body and then I was wrapped in string again and I couldn't scream. There was no sound, just me gasping for air. I wanted to scream because I was so scared and needed to wake Sean up, who was in the next room. That's how awake I felt. Then the burst of electricity that was being sent through me was just terrifying. But for some reason I was alert enough to be able to convince myself that this wasn't real and that I could make it go away by telling myself that I'm imagining it. So I did and that's when I turned on my light, and fell asleep in a bright room which kept the hallucinations at bay. Again I was delighted for morning to finally come..
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