Daytime thinking ruining my nighttime sleeping - 2

The awful sleeps and the hallucinations brings up the times I used to lie awake night after night for years, from the age of 16 or 17 because of hallucinating. At night I'd see visions of people in my room. It hasn't been bad for years now, but now and then it would start up again. The past few weeks I've had a few incidents. After last night, I'm starting to think (now there's a surprise!) that if an hallucination is a figment of the imagination then can I have maybe experienced the same last night, but just through a different sensory impression..which was through feeling? Could it be instead of imagining a sight or a sound, I was simply imagining a feeling? Maybe the cause of it is the same, but the "outcome" is different? Humm.. I don't know. All I know is that it might not have happened, had I have kept up with the writing. It was like everything from last week Monday was all starting to pour out of the top of my head, flowing out on to my pillow and that I was leaking words, which was awful. My head was being emptied beyond my control and I'd have nothing to show for it!! So in order to keep them all contained and to be sure they'd still be there, waiting for me to choose them the following morning, I had to put my thoughts in a cage. But there were too many. That could explain where all the nightmares and strange feelings from last night came from.

So this morning, up again relatively early and not too muddled but just happy to be finally be able to let all this spill from my finger tips. I still could do with a proper night sleep, to get over it all. Maybe that will be happening tonight. Who knows. But isn't it fascinating how daily life can effect a persons' sleep so much? Often being asleep and being awake are considered to be 2 separate things, which in a way they are, but not totally. Because the mind functions 24 hours a day. It never stops, it's just in a different "mode" or a different "gear" when you're asleep. Recognizing what happens in our sleep, can tell us so much about how our daily lives are going. An example. 2 weeks ago, as I was feeling on top of the world, my dreams were so great. I actually dreamt one night that I sitting with the cast of Friends (you know the sit-com), and I was actually sitting next to Ross (he's my favourite by the way..he's so goofy it's just so adorable and funny), and I was looking in on a scene he was acting out which I had written. The scene had actual jokes and they had never been seen before on telly (I've seen nearly all the episodes by this stage), but I was playing it out in my dream. And the best thing about it was that it was actually so funny..so much so, that I woke up laughing. I had this massive big smile on my face, by how Ross was acting and by what he was saying and also because I was able to dream such a thing and that it was able to put me in a great mood for the rest of my day!! I thought that was so strange. It just shows that feeling so lighthearted, makes our dreams feel the same.

It's been said to me before and these different dreams just confirm it: Dealing with everything as it comes up, from day to day, gives room for so much more in life. It doesn't matter what it is, how bad, sad, angry or hurtful the things could be.. as long as they are put "out there", then there's room "upstairs" for all the joys in life. And the most joyous thing of all, is laughter. It's therapeutic, it's energizing. It releases tension and it gives a sense of aliveness. So there's a lesson to be learned from analyzing things that we experience when our minds go into a lower gear. A lesson on how we are coping and how daily life is really effecting us. During the day the things around us keep us preoccupied and cause us to forget about what's really going on underneath it all. It's all a front, because it may seem like things are forgotten by nothing is really ever forgotten. It's always there, yearning to be realized, needing to be recognized, wanting to be seen for what it is. It's just our job to give it what it needs. There's nobody that can be more aware of the "goods" that have been stashed away. I just think it's amazing that there are mechanisms that we are subconsciously using in order for us to never loose sight of the things that are bothering us.

The human body is a miraculous thing. I can never say it enough. It continues to fascinate me. There's something else that I've said so many times before.. I'm just so grateful for mine to have never given up on me. No matter how badly I treated it, it stuck by me and knew exactly what to do to keep me here. It's a gift that I'll never ever take for granted, like I always used to. Whenever I would sit and watch survival programmes (something that I'm kind of obsessed with at the moment), I was once amazed that they were able to walk, climb, run, fall and to just be, without having to constantly rest or sit down or eat. I was not only astounded but also envious and never thought that my body would be able to get back into a similar shape again and to be to do things like that, without having to doubt or question my physical ability. Now I'm no longer amazed, but I'm driven, focused and I'm nearly there. For my mind setting to have changed, as I've become stronger, from feeling alien for being deprived of food, to feeling alone for being deprived of physical activity, to now feeling gratitude for being able to be active without any concerns, reminds me of just how appreciative I am for my physical body. I'll never give up on it again, just like it has never given up on me either. We are 2 as 1, supporting each other, giving life to each other. All we need to do, is keep the balance alive and everything else will naturally fall into place.