[aka: bob]

Unlike all the other days this week, Wednesday wasn't so much a day for closure, but it was a day to visit someone I've been meaning to visit for so long now. Someone who has been a rock to me, from the very start. Someone I couldn't possibly not see, before heading off to Australia and that's my cousin Mark. He was one of the most supportive people who pushed me through when I was at my all time low. What I remember so vividly, when this journey started, was something that amazed me, and still does to a certain extent..and that was the way he suddenly popped-up, as if out of nowhere with so much advice, with so many words and with so much belief in me, that I could, and more importantly, WAS going to get better. I remember this to be so random; for somebody who I wasn't around much but for that somebody to still make such an effort to pull me through those really bad weeks and to never stop until there was some degree of certainty that I was out of the danger zone. Another thing that amazes me, was for something like Anna to bring us so much closer, even though we rarely see each other. And this all through the airwaves..all through cyberspace.. Amazing.

We spoke about it, when I was hanging out with him on Wednesday and it wasn't pure luck or coincidence that he knew exactly what to say and what not to say, and what were the good and the not so good signs he was picking up from me on my blog, back at the start of it all. He has a friend who has also suffered from Anna and he would actually check with her, if he was going about it all in the right way. We spoke about how close I came to going to hospital and that he knew all I needed was some major force from outside of me, as often as possible, to get through those days..As I was right on the edge, of going either one way or the other. And, along with Ma, Diann and a few others, he was one of the main forces.

Over the past months I've thought a lot about how much Mark helped me, when I needed it most. And I always wondered how or why he did it. After thinking about it some more and trying to realize the extent of what he, and everybody else, would read on my blog, even though that's the hardest thing for me to do because of the fact that my head didn't feel like my own and my body wasn't on this planet and Anna didn't feel like she was happening to me, I can now understand more of the reasons as to why he chose to do so much for me. He saw what I couldn't see, but he also knew that once I would start to see what he saw, I'd go the extra mile. And on my part, it wasn't a question of should or shouldn't I have taken his help.. Because when a helping hand is needed and someone offers it, without wanting anything in return but just purely out of the goodness of their heart, then wouldn't that hand not want to be rejected out of shame or out of fear for seeming to be too weak and helpless or out of guilt for leaning on someone who is stronger and more capable of seeing the reality of it all. If the tables had been turned, I would have done the same. Especially having been through some stuff and being able to relate to certain things by having gained experience from personal past situations someone has been forced to deal with.

Back in July, from a distance, Mark became my light in the darkest hours. He didn't know me through and through, but even still, he knew that I was strong enough to get through Anna without being hospitalized. He could see it, maybe through the honesty of my blog, maybe through our past brief meetings or just simply because determination and strength got me ill in the first place, which could have meant that Mark also knew I had it in me to get better again. One way or another, it doesn't matter. What counts is the fact that it brought us closer and that will always stay. It will always be there.

It never ceases to amaze just how difficult times can bring certain people closer. We become so much more aware of what lies beneath, both in others and therefore also in ourselves. We also come to realize just how important relationships are, no matter how superficial they once might seem; this is never a guarantee that the relationship will never take a hop, a skip or a jump and change into something so much more significant, maybe even as significant as life.

Meeting up with him, for the first time since this all started, was so so great. Closure wasn't the issue but it was more like saying a big "hello" and and a big "goodbye" too.. Saying "hello" to the world without Anna as well as saying "goodbye" to this whole chapter. But then it maybe could be classed as closure..huummm.. Either way, it was more proof that all is well in my world. I've said this over and over again, and I might continue to do so, perhaps until the effect of being happy and feeling great wears off. But it hasn't, not yet anyhow. And up until it does, I'll continue to enjoy the things I'm able to do without having be consider the effects they could have on me. And going up to Dublin to see Mark and being able to talk about a load of stuff, was one of them. Back in September we said that once I'd be better, I'd come up to see him and we'd have beer and pizza. And that's what we did.. We had beer and pizza..