A bit of closure

Every day this week I've done something that has had something to do with closure. Closing down this chapter of my life. Every day something ever so small, all in aid of distancing myself a little more, as this period draws to an end. All just so as I won't look back and wish I had done this or that in a different way. All so I won't feel like this hasn't ended properly. This time next week I'll be on the plane and I don't want to have any regrets. Everything has to be done and dusted.. Everything regarding the past 10 months..

It started on Monday. The only thing I wanted to come from that day, was doing something that would reassure me I was well on my way to leaving anything that had even the smallest thing to do with Anna, behind me. It was the supplement drinks that I had to finally throw away.

They had been in the bottom of the fridge for the past 3 months. I had stopped them suddenly the end of January, but never took it upon me to actually throw them down the drain. It wasn't that I was still willing to drink them, even if I did or didn't need them. But had been a few weeks when I was tempted. Why? Because I was afraid that by not drinking them, I'd be restricting myself. I didn't want to take a chance, when it came to giving Anna any kind of strength, no matter how small that strength might have been. Back then I didn't know what was the best thing to do.. either drink the 30 drinks in the bottom of the fridge, which would give me some extra nutrition and a great boost at the same time.. or was it better for me to just go ahead and challenge myself by seeking nutrition in food instead of supplements.

This feeling of confusion only lasted for a short few weeks. Because I then came to a stage, when I had been off them for so long that having one would be like undoing the good I had done. I'd be going backwards instead of forwards. Ever since I felt okay with looking at the drinks, I knew I wasn't restricting myself and that they were well and truly a thing of the past. So the time would soon come, when I'd be doing good for throwing them out.

That time came on Monday. All 30 bottles I emptied down the sink. The smell and the colour of them.. So sweet, so bright, so artificial. I didn't feel tempted to taste one.. O no.. And I didn't want anybody else tasting them either. That would have been like an invasion of my "thing".. What do I exactly mean by "thing".. I don't really know. Maybe my illness of the past, maybe my saviour, maybe that certain part of me that made me feel special, maybe some possession of mine.. I can't say for sure. But that's how it has always been, when I was drinking them, so it's only natural that I still feel so strongly about others tasting them. So as I was pouring them down the sink, it did bring back a bit of ****. But that was okay. It wasn't bad, it was normal. I would have worried, had it not stirred-up anything.

So they've gone, for good. The supplements are out of the fridge and out of my life. But they did save me, no matter how bad they made me feel. It's a relief to know that they aren't in the bottom of the fridge anymore. I don't have to look at them again. It's over and done with and it made me feel pretty good..

Then Tuesday came. Another day to do something that I've been wanting to do for a few months. But I either never got the chance, or I just simply chose to keep on putting it off. What am I talking about? The witch in the hotpress.. the doll Anna. I got this doll back in the Summer, from Ann. The doll that was big, ugly and just always there. The doll that represented my anorexia. The doll on which I took out so much anger and frustration during the days when everything was simply too much to deal with. I did to her what she had done to my soul.

As I took her out of the black sack on Tuesday, I knew that I had to burn her. That was it. But she wasn't a doll anymore. I don't think she had been a doll for many many months. Her insides were out, and her outside wasn't recognizable. Her legs weren't attached to her body, either were her arms and her face no longer existed. The only thing that was still recognizable was her broom.

I wouldn't be able to say how or when I dismantled her. But I can remember that she had been thrown around the room on several occasions, then stabbed, kicked and screamed at. That's all I know. How often? I couldn't possibly say. So opening the bag, to see her guts after all that time, was great. And to put the icing on the cake.. it was time to burn her. Throwing her in the bin, wouldn't have been as satisfying as throwing her on a fire. And she burnt great! Every piece of her.. her clothes even went up in flames. And it felt great. So many times I'd wanted to do that. But I only knew that the time would come, once I was all better. And now it was finally happening.

An ugly witch, that I would never have to see again. I destroyed her, after she had tried to destroy me. Back then, we fought for a while, 2 strengths against each other. Strengths of a different substance, with a different purpose and each with different values and beliefs, each aiming to achieve total opposites of each other. But the strongest always wins and becomes even stronger in the process. I suppose I was always stronger to begin with.. But it was never really visible with the eye. The real me needed to be challenged, just to see that the strength I always had, really is as strong as others would have me believe. Actually.. that's not entirely true.. Because I never knew I had either of those strengths in me. Neither the good nor the bad. But now I know they are there. And for knowing that, I'm stronger. I won the battle, and the witch is no longer in the hotpress..