What an email can do..

Some of my mates that I've only been in touch with through email for the past year of more, which are mainly friends from travels or friends from college that I would never got to see on a regular basis when I was living in Holland, have been sending out either no vibes or negative vibes, when it comes to my travel plans. And that has been bugging me for days now..

It's Monday morning..Easter Monday to be precise, and I've only got 10 days before I leave. The date is getting nearer and nearer and I'm getting more and more mentally prepared for it. I'm excited but not stressed or anxious. It all feels pretty surreal however normal at the same time, if that's at all possible. When it comes to support, everybody is on board. So that only makes things so much easier. But then there are certain people who I regard as being close friends, and who I've told a few weeks ago through email what my plans are, but who don't seem to either support the fact that I'm going or who just couldn't be bothered to know what's going on, be it either good or bad.

I'm not talking about friends or family that I've had close contact with and who I've been able to see, since coming to Ireland. But I'm talking about the friends who I still and always will regard as being dear to me. It was one travel-buddy of mine who actually stirred this all up. She made me realize that she isn't the only one who hasn't replied to the emails I've sent, regarding my plans. But her reaction, or lack of should I say, struck me in particular. I sent her so many emails and texts over the past weeks, just checking that she was okay, because she hadn't replied. Was she ignoring me? Was she p-ed off by the fact that I'm going back to Australia? Was she envious and therefore didn't want me be able to experience traveling again? Did she resent me for this?

She of all people, knows how much traveling means to me. And she did engage in such a way with my ordeal, that she was aware of just how stuck I was, in body, mind and spirit. She knew just how hard times were for me, and therefore shouldn't she also know just how much this means to me? Shouldn't she be supportive of me? Shouldn't she be happy that I'm able to make this step? I know there's a lot of "shouldn'ts" there, and she "should" only really do or be in whatever way she pleases.. But still. It hurt so much that she didn't reply to anything for such a "long time". And when she finally did, which was yesterday, it was an abrupt email. It was short, it was impersonal (which is extremely unusual coming from her) and it gave off this vibe of her not thinking I should be deserving of this trip. She ended the email with, and I quote: "here all is well, but there's nothing as exciting going on as there is your life, by the sounds of it". That was it! Full stop.. No "goodbye".. no "catch ya later".. no nothing.. I was shocked and kind of p-ed off about it to be honest.

So this email, really got me thinking. For so long, when I was doing nothing, but going through hell each day over and over again, and she was living her life and doing all the things she pleased to do, I never once thought she didn't deserve to be happy and live her life. I didn't resent the fact that she was able to do this, and I wasn't. For me, hearing about what she was up to, only made me happy.. in my darkest hours. It would made me mind smile, not my face however.. but inside she made me smile. Because that's what it has always done to me and will continue to do..hearing of your close family and friends being happy and living a full life.. it can give you a glimmer of hope. And that's what it did for me. Now to think that I'm able to branch out again, be and feel full of life and be willing to go that extra mile, suddenly seems to make her feel bad for some reason.

Would it be the fact that she's not traveling and that I however will be? Would she rather me be sad, down and depressed, just so that her life is better and brighter and more full of joy than somebody elses..especially someone who was once somebody she might have tried to follow.. In a way, that's the way our friendship was, up until I got sick. Things I did, she'd be inspired and would take ideas or plans on board and would long to follow them through (but they eventually never happened-which is besides the point). So when I was ill, it could have given her a sense of ease.. She might have been calm and relaxed or maybe reassured by the fact that there are others in this world who aren't able to live a full and exciting life..? I had to keep a low profile and for that she felt that her life was good?? This might have meant that she could do the same and maybe it meant less pressure and more enjoyment in the simpler life she was living?? But suddenly I'm not keeping a low profile anymore and can shout from the rooftops just how much of the world and the people in it, I want to see, experience and meet. And starting an adventure again suddenly has gotten her down and she seems to resent me for it.

Saying that she's pleased for me, yes she has done that. So I have to give her some credit. And to a certain extent she means it, but there was something not quite right. Has it stirred-up feelings for her, that she didn't want to be confronted with? She always wanted to travel more, but never did. Should I feel bad for her? Should I keep my excitement to myself, when I'm in touch with her, just to keep her happy? Should I contain myself? I should think not, really. Why should I? Don't I deserve to be feeling happy and excited? Don't I deserve this, just as much as the next person?

If somebody wants to travel, then can't they make it happen, no matter what age they are? If somebody wants something so bad, then isn't there always a way to make it happen? Yes, sacrifices have to be made. But if they want that something so badly, then sacrifices are made with greatest pleasure. And therefore they aren't really sacrifices. So I shouldn't feel bad for being able to travel again. I'm just doing what I want. I'm going about life the way I want to. She can do the same. But if she chooses not to, then that's up to her. And it's not up to me to feel guilty for her decisions. I can't afford to worry about what this might be doing to her. It's her stuff and I don't need to make it my own. And as Orla said to me before we said goodbye last week: "Niamh, you deserve this". And I do. I can't doubt that. Just like I can't doubt the fact that this travel-buddy of mine, DOES wish me well and IS happy for me to be feeling as good as I am right now. Because she is, I know. She might resent me for certain capabilities. But I don't resent her for feeling the way she does. Because I can understand as I've been there myself, when it comes to people traveling. So I can let it be, I can let it go. I know that if I have the right attitude towards this, that it won't come between us. Because we know each other too well for that and she'd probably admit to this herself. So there are no bad feelings. And I'm not going to let it effect me. All is well.. all is good.. bring on next week!!