Finding the balance

It's Tuesday afternoon and things are going good here in Holland. The past few days haven't been too busy, and I'm heading up to Breda in a few hours time, to visit some mates. It will be strange going up, now that I don't live there anymore. I'm a little bit wary about the fact that I could bump into somebody from work. Today is officially my last day to be employed by them. And they still probably think that I'm not able to travel and that things are still not going too well. In a way I feel like I'm lying to them, because I am able to travel and I am so much better and also that I'm tempting fate. I know the chances are ever so slim of bumping into somebody. And if I do, there really isn't that much they can do. I'm just not in the mood to be comfronted and I don't want to have to explain to people who don't really mean a whole lot to me, how I'm doing and at what stage I'm at. It's none of their business. But I know what I'm like. Right now, I'm just worrying about nothing. I've been trying to tell myself that whatever happens, happens. And it's okay. Worrying won't stop it from happening, because I really want to see Janneke and Imke. So I'm just going to let that go for now, and simply go with the flow.

I've been noticing the past few days, that the only thing I'm still trying to find at the moment, is the right balance, whilst being around people constantly and having pretty full days (well, fuller than my days used to be anyhow). This is the first full week I've been away from home and have had busy days all at once and been able to cope properly. So finding the time to do my thing, by myself, isn't always easy. I can't say that it's getting too much for me, because it's not. Nothing is really too busy or too much, so far. But in order for it to stay that way, I need to still find the time that allows me to be aware of how I'm doing and how my head is processing everything and if my body is able to keep up. If I don't take even 15 minutes a day, then I'm scared that things will start to get too much and that I'll get muddled and clouded. It could happen so easily and I really don't want it to. Because everything is feeling so fine, and I don't want anything to ruin it.

Finding the balance, is a difficult thing to do. It isn't something that can happen with the flick of a switch. Especially if there's no real routine. I can really feel like I'm awakening, even though that's been happening for a couple of months now. This week is different from any other though. I can take everything on board, which is great. But at the same time I have to still remind myself that certain little things could set me off. Now and then I get the thoughts of me being too good and too well and too full of life and I start to wonder when it's going to stop and when things are going to go down hill again. If they will or won't, nobody can know. But I find myself either feeling like it's a temporary state of mind I find myself in right now, and that soon enough the real me will come out again. And in my head that "real me" is the "me" from months ago. But I felt alien back then, and I don't now.. So why would I be real, if I were to be feel alien? That makes no sense whatsoever. It's like the statement I made months ago..'"it's all too good to be true".. even though it IS true and it IS real.

Maybe I'm still adjusting to being able to live a big life and feel new at the same time. Maybe it feels strange because it's the first time in 9 months that I've been able to be here in Holland and interact in whatever way I want. Could that be it? Maybe I've changed in such a way that my "daily-doings" are different than what they were before. I suppose that could be true. I just want to do so much, maybe as much as I'd used to do whenever I've been in Holland for a week or so before leaving for a long trip. I'd usually be running around like blue-arse-fly, trying to do everything, and feeling the need to catch-up with everyone before heading off again for a certain amount of time. I'd never take a breather and never allow myself to simply do nothing. So this week I'm in the same position as I've been before; I'm here again and I'll be heading off again for a certain amount of time, so I'm wanting to go everywhere to see everyone I want. But I simply can't be like that anymore. Not if I want my head to still feel clear and calm. To fill my week as I usually would, would cause it to become frazzled and wrecked again, bringing along all other kinds of behaviour and thoughts that I'm really not in the mood for.

It's simply a waste of energy to force myself to deal with old stuff. It's far more relieving and refreshing to sit here and write about nothing in particular, just to find the balance that I want and need to have, in my life. Without it, I don't think I'd be doing so well. I don't think all the compliments I've been getting, would be appreciated like they are being right now. They'd cause all kinds of s*** and I'm not in the mood for that and hope I never will be again. Would you rather stick your energy into staying on top of things, by simply being and enjoying every state of mind that is being experienced, rather than running away with yourself and loosing focus and eventually need more strength to get back on top of things, after restriction could have harmed either your mental or physical strength.?? There is such a huge difference. If the first option is more enjoyable and more healthy and makes me happier, then why would I even consider going for the second option..?? The thing is, I'd never choose the second option but I'd be overcome by it.

I know that it will never be a bad thing if it does happen. I know that I'll learn from it, and learning is always a good thing. But at this stage it would be a shame. So taking a short time out everyday, in between enjoying myself, feeling happy, healthy and strong, isn't a price I have to pay, because it's not a chore. It's something that I want and need to do. Some people watch telly for hours on end. What does it matter if for one of those 24 hours in a day, I stop and reflect and be aware? If that's all it takes, then isn't my health and happiness a done deal?

Sometimes there's the smallest part of me, telling me that I've given myself enough time. It tells me that nobody else does it, like I do, so why should I feel I have the right to focus on myself..? Why should I deserve it..all this peace and joy and love? But I deliberately ignore that part of me, because I know it's all a lie. Everyone deserves it, but not everyone chooses to experience it or to be in the moment. So that's their decision, just like it's my decision to keep it going.

I have to live the way I feel is best and not according to what these stupid little thoughts in my head try to convince me of. I'm just not in the mood to even start deliberating with that part of my mind. Because it's ever so small. Therefore by ignoring it, I'm making it smaller, so I won't be letting it take over me. "Feeding it is making it grow". That goes for every part of the mind.. and feeding that part that I love so much, will also make it grow. I can keep on doing that until that small part is gone. And when it creeps back in, I'll hear it. As I'll still be aware and that way nothing will be unexpected or come out of the blue.. It sounds so simple and in a way it can be, or more to the fact; It will be, up until the point where I analyze it too much, which is right now. So I'm quitting while I'm ahead.