Holland - Ireland

Being in Holland, all has been good, so it's got me thinking. That awful feeling I was having 4 months ago, is gone. Which is so so good. And the thoughts of going back to Ireland, aren't making as happy as they once did. That's such a relief to feel. It's a relief to feel that I can be in Holland and feel fine, but still know that I don't want to live here. At the moment, if I had to choose between the 2.. I think it would have to be Holland. But at the same time, I know that it wouldn't do me a whole lot of good and it wouldn't make me happy. I would never want to give out about Ireland or Holland for that matter. The 2 countries both have their good sides. But that doesn't mean that I'd feel happy to live in either of them.

In a way it's a shame. Because both countries are where my childhood was, where my family and friends are. They have both given me so much. To think that so many great memories can be linked to one certain place or country in general and for me to still not feel comfortable there, is a little bit disheartening. Mainly it's because at one stage in life, I was so convinced that that place was the only place on earth that I'll always long to be. No matter how far I travel, whenever anybody asks "where is home and where do you want to eventually settle?" Holland was always my answer. Without any hesitation, it was the place that would always give me so much. The place that would make me feel alive with so many people, the multi-cultured society, the language, the hustle and bustle, the organized system, the way it's so near to tens of other countries.. on and on the list could go.

My mates from traveling that I've met over the past month, were all amazed when I said that I don't want to live in Holland. Because that was what I was so sure of, when we spoke of settling down..Holland was the place for me. So when it turned out that I didn't feel all that excitement I spoke about when it came to living in Holland, it came as a shock to me too. But I'm so grateful for having become aware of this fact, or else probably around about now, I'd be settling back into work, and life in Breda, because it was what I thought I needed to do.

Now though, I'm okay with being in Holland and I'm okay to leave. But I wouldn't have been okay to leave, if I'd be going back to Ireland without knowing that I'm leaving there soon. I'm so glad to feel this way right now. I've stopped regretting the fact that I'm turning away from Holland. I've started to see it as a country, that has given me so much: my dear friends, my language, my education, my teenage-craziness.. I'll therefore always miss it in a way, but I can't let that get mixed-up with the feeling of wanting to live here. I'll always miss certain things.. like riding a bike, like going to Amsterdam (on the very odd occasion) and hearing the tram-bells ringing or standing on the platform waiting for the train and the woman over the intercom suddenly announces that the train has been delayed by 6 minutes (yes, never to forget the Dutch accuracy when it comes to time-keeping). These are just things I'll miss when it comes to the country itself. I'm not even talking about how much I'll miss certain people who live in it, and what I'll miss about them. I'm not even going to get started on that..

Now knowing that I wouldn't be happy going back to Ireland either, is a joy in a way. But just like Holland, I'll never talk bad about the country. It has a different meaning to me, than Holland does. Because Ireland is my home, even though I may never litterally have my own home there (only Ma's of course). It will always feel familiar. It will always give me so much, just by returning for even a short weekend. It's exactly how the song goes: "The green green grass of home". And this applies so much to Ireland. But it's never mattered where I've gone, even when I was living in Holland, I would always miss certain things about Ireland. Like the smell of turf in the air on a winters night, or the green mountains, or sitting in an Irish pub and enjoying some Bulmers, or listening to the strong Irish accent on the radio.. Again the list could go on and on. However missing these things, doesn't mean I'd be happy to live there.

Ireland has given me so much. More so than I could ever have imagined, after the past months. It's the place I needed to be, the place that gave me peace of mind, the place that calmed me down. The general mentality of the people in my surroundings reminded me that life doesn't have to fast-paced to be enjoyed. A person doesn't need oceans of other people just to feel alive inside. This is something that I never knew or felt, until I went back to Ireland. I'm just not to get this sense of home, gratitude and peace mixed-up with wanting to live there. But then again, that has never happened to me, whereever I've been and no matter how much I'd long to sit in an Irish pub. So I shouldn't doubt that I'll mistake my the roots of my past, with the seeds of my future.

Whatever happens, both countries will always be a part of my life. I'll never give out about either of them. Because to others, it's their home and it's the place they feel comfortable and safe and the place they want to sew the seeds of their future. It's the place they know where they are happiest. The place that makes them feel alive and the place where their lives evolve. Who knows I might some day come across a place that gives me that same feeling and hopefully I'll be able to give it something back too. To leave a mark on a certain place, just like that place has left it's mark on me.. That would be nice.. But there's all the time in the world for that.. so I'm not longing for it and I'm not worried about it. Home is where the heart is, and for now, that's right here where I'm sitting and the location doesn't matter one way or another..