Wobbly times - 1

It's Saturday morning. My last full day in Holland, before heading back to Ireland. The past week has flown, but at the same time I feel like I've been here for so much longer because I've done so much. Or maybe I haven't really done that much. But just being away from Ireland and enjoying myself more than I've done in such a long time, makes it feel like I've been on holidays and holidays always fly by..especially with lots of goodness going on. But it's been great.

This morning I woke up though and didn't want to be here anymore. I looked out the window, and felt suffocated. The houses, the estate, the pulling, the pushing.. So much I wanted to do, but I knew it would be too much but still never enough. Not enough and wanting more, but not here and not in this manner. Then the thoughts of leaving here and going back to Ireland, didn't make me happierj. The thoughts of staying here, didn't really appeal either.

It sounds so contradicting.. I know what's going on though. I want to be here, and be busy and hang out with my friends and be happy. Because I haven't felt this way is such a long time. And it would be so easy for me to slip back into a life in Holland. But I won't be, and of course realizing this, while I'm still here, does make me sad. I'm sad that I have to say goodbye to Emma and Orla, Enya and Aiden, Marcel and Arno, Sandra and Noami, Janneke, Natasja, Wendy, Imke.. and so many more. Of course it's bound to effect me in some way. It will throw me off course and make me slightly stressed, like it did this morning. And with that comes the alcohol. If there's anything that has been causing me guilt this past week, it's that. There's either too much or too little. If I can't have it, I want it. If I'm having it, I know that it's bad and that I'll feel guilty the next morning. It's only happened twice though this week.. This morning and yesterday morning. I can't say that I had a hangover, but I just felt bad for having had it.

And then I could relate to the example that Diann gave me a few times, as to what can make her restrict..It happens when she tells herself that she's going to do a detox for a week or more, or try to be a vegan or vegetarian. It mucks-up her way of thinking and can throw her behaviour around food off-balance, as well as her bodyimage. Now I can see that, when it comes to me, too much alcohol can do the same. I think. One weekend of drinking is fine (like last weekend for instance), but it's when it becomes nearly a daily thing, then all I want is to compensate my calorie-intake the next day. I want to, but I haven't done that this week. I can't let the guilt I wake up with, effect my eating. I've been dreaming of calories too. But it hasn't made me cut back on food at all. I can just sense the guilt and feel how easily I could give in.

I'm not 100% certain that the guilt is because of the calories or if it's because of the enjoyment I get from drinking.. I can't say for certain. Because I have been enjoying myself and I'm allowed and without alcohol I don't have any sense that I'm doing anything bad. Not at all. If anything, I feel on top of the world and nothing can get to me. I just don't like to go over the top when it comes to booze. It makes me feel so bad. But then, if I say no to alcohol because of feeling guilty for having it, then will I be in restraint? That's a question that I can't easily answer.

I sometimes am pretty sure I've found the answer. Sometimes I'm convinced that I've got it all sussed. And most of the time I do. But it's just in my nature, to want to be able to find the answer to everything that gets me down. Questioning things seems to be the best way to find peace with uncertainty. But then again, if I'm at ease and if I'm full of life and happy, then uncertainty and therefore also unanswered questions, won't disrupt me. I'll just accept that sometimes I do know why I'm feeling guilt and that others times I don't know. I'll just let it all be, without giving it power over me. And that's when I won't care that too much enjoyment from drinking could be the reason for me not to feel too happy the following morning. I won't care that the real reason for my guilt is because alcohol simply gives me a little hangover the next day and can ruin my mood. Or simply because alcohol isn't something that's healthy and therefore shouldn't be in my body. But when I start talking like that, it's sounds too familiar and reminds me of certain times when I used to talk like that..which were the hard times of restriction, so I can be sure that I'm restricting for the wrong reasons.. huummmm.. it can be so tricky at times.

More to come..
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