Making a sacrifice

Making sacrifices in life, to eventually be able to do what you want, is something that is difficult, but is also a necessity. Everybody needs it but it does take guts. It takes courage to leave one thing, in order to have the next. Not everyone would be willing to make certain sacrifices, not everybody would see the thing they will be gaining as more important or more worthy than the thing they are sacrificing.

Saying goodbye to all the people who are so dear to me, is one of the things I'm sacrificing. In a way, it's pretty big. Maybe bigger than I expected. I always knew that it would be hard. And as my date of departure gets nearer, I'm getting more and more stable in a way, but also more and more aware of how big this sacrifice I'm making, really is. Leaving the little kids, leaving my family, leaving it all for a good while, is something that I've always known would happen. And now that it has started happening, it's almost like I'm turning my back on so much more than just them.

I said my first goodbyes, on Sunday, when I left Holland. Saying goodbye to Aiden and Enya was so hard. But not only that, because at the same time, it hit home that the time is finally coming. The time I never believed I would get to see. It's like I've started walking away from something major, something huge, something life altering. As well, I don't know how long I'll be gone for as I'm keeping my options open and not giving an approximate date.

Everybody's life will continue, and I will become someone who is never around, just like I always used to be known. Everyone will get used to me not being around and the little kiddies will forget auntie Niamh. Eileen has a little one on the way too, so I'll be missing out on all of that too. But that's the choice I've made. I'm giving up a lot and maybe that might be selfish. I'm distancing myself from the daily lives of the people I love most in the world. The people who helped me so much, while I was sick, the people who I have always been able to count, the people who really ARE my world. It was a life that was lived in a world that revolves around certain people and who accepted you and all your flaws.

Leaving people behind, is how I've always lived though and this is what I've always wanted. Well maybe it wasn't. Because leaving them behind, or being so far away from their world, was always the one thing that made me want to be here and live my life like theirs, when I was traveling first time round. I longed for our lives to become attached again and for these lives to revolve and evolve around each others. That way, I woulds never have to miss a beat, I'd never be far away from their good and bad times and milestones would never go unnoticed. I didn't want to have to deal with missing all of these lives. Experiencing it with them, always seemed more a appealing, easy and satisfying to me, when I was traveling in Oz 2 years ago. The choice was at one stage so easy. I'd be wanting to sacrifice my dreams, just to be apart of theirs. Mine would stop as theirs' would become a reality. But that's what I thought was always better, than having to miss them.

Going from one extreme to the other. Sacrificing travel, to be apart of their lives on a daily basis, was like a smack in the face. I remember how soon I realized this, when I came back from traveling a year and half ago. It was all so forced and I felt I again wasn't happy with the sacrifice I was making. I was finally apart of their lives, but nothing had changed. Everything was still the same. I was still as close to them as I had ever been. It was like I'd never been away. That was enough for me to realize that the sacrifice I had made, when I left in 2006, was actually the one that I would be needing to make, the one that I would have to get used to making and still the one that would always be difficult but worthwhile at the same time.

Choosing between the 2 different directions and the sacrifices that each direction brings with it and also the strength of missing either one or the other.. I can now safely say that the sacrifice I'm making at this point in time, is the right one. It hurts like hell, to leave everyone behind, more so than it ever has done. But it would hurt even more to have to leave something of myself behind in order to be around the people I love. Yes, it's selfish but it's right at the same time. Or maybe it's not selfish. If somebody chooses to go to college or buy a house and needs to give up certain other things in life that they cherish so much, does that make them selfish? No, it just means they are doing what want and need in life. I'm doing the same, so why should I class myself as being selfish?

I know this so well, but it doesn't make it easier. Or maybe it does, because I know that I'm doing what I need to do. Being out on my own again and going wherever I please as I follow my heart. Independence that I've missed so much. My own decisions, my own life, my own adventures. With this in mind, the sacrifice I'm making, is okay. I've realized so many months ago, that this will be my way of life for another while. I'm not putting an estimated timeframe on it, because I don't need to. I'll see what happens. And the fact that I'm stepping out of their world, doesn't have to mean that I won't still be missing them, following them and supporting them for afar. It isn't the end of an era, but the beginning of a new life. Or it could be me returning to what I do best. Like coming home, within myself, all by myself.

As I already said, I feel like I'm walking away from something, as I say goodbye to more and more people. And to what? I know exactly what it is.. I'm saying goodbye to Anna. For good. That's the thing I'm turning my back to. Does that sadden me? No. It overwhelms me. And it then suddenly hits home, how much these goodbyes will effect my nearest and dearest. For them it's a loss that I'm going. But is it a loss that is classed as being negative? Looking at it from this point of view, then the fact that they are losing me, is nothing but good. Because I'm better. That's what it represents, so they're not losing me. And I'm not losing anything either. I'm turning my back to a part of my life. But I'm turning towards of new part. I'm leaving something behind, and for that I'm everything but sad. I know that others could be concerned, but that doesn't mean that they aren't happy for me. They don't resent me for the sacrifice I'm making. They know that this is me, this is what I need and want. I can never say for certain what they are feeling. But the one thing I do know, is that they can feel just as overwhelmed as I do, by the fact that I'm on top of the world again and that I'm able to say goodbye to everyone. That's something that would have always been an issue. So I'm not dwelling on it. It's okay.

The nearer the date gets, the more certain I am that this is the right thing I'm doing. I'm getting more excited too. One sacrifice can weigh heavier than the other, but that doesn't mean that one is more worthy or valuable than the other. We have to live this life in whatever way we see as being the right way. And if we choose to make the world itself, our world instead of the people in the world, our world, then that's the way it's got to be. Nothing is forever and nothing is certain. Except for one thing and that's the people that remain in your heart as they know that the sacrifice that has been made isn't a grievance, isn't a regret and isn't a flaw. It's simply natural.