You can say anything!

While I was in Holland I noticed something that I knew all along would happen. I knew that what I've been through would effect other people and it had been doing so from the very start. I guess I was never fully switched-on enough to see it with my own eyes, even though I always knew it deep down.

Some people I used to be around alot, at one stage, and not so much since being in Ireland, haven't always known how to deal with the condition I had. It was a hard thing for them to maybe see and be confronted with. So they chose to distance themselves from me and my blog. They chose to not fully engage with me. This was only the case, for a few people. The people who mattered the most, never felt awkward or uncomfortable whilst being around me. Well, not to my knowledge anyhow. I understand that some people didn't know how to talk to me or how to act around me, when I was ill. But it was never really that big a deal, because I wasn't around them a lot, and I didn't hear much from them either.

However when I was back in Holland, it became clear that not everyone felt comfortable in my presence. Not to start with anyhow. Maybe because they still didn't know what to say or how to act. Maybe because they still thought I was feeling uneasy and uncomfortable in myself. Maybe because they were still wary they would end up saying the wrong thing. I noticed that I was the one who had to prick through that barrier, with some people, just so they would be certain that I'm feeling good again and that they don't have to distance themselves from me and my condition. Because, at this moment, I don't feel like there is a condition for them to distance themselves from.

I know that my progress was at my speed and on my terms and therefore for others it was always the hardest thing to do: "testing the water" in order to see how I'm dealing with things. That's why I had to accept the fact that not everyone was instantly open and comfortable while they were around me. Maybe I was just seeing things, maybe I was making myself feel paranoid. Maybe there was no need for me to think like this, while it was happening. But I do know that not everyone is as capable of dealing with things, as the next person. So I can understand the distancing on their part. And I think I handled it the right way too.. which was by forcing myself to prove to them that I'm well and healthy and just like the person I was a year ago, but happier. I needed to throw myself into their company, just to reassure them that they can do, say and be around me and towards me in whatever way they like.

It's happens to all people who are ill or who are only recently recovered.. You are labelled and people automatically are wary about talking to you. They don't know what to say, especially if they haven't seen you in years, but know what has been going on. And I know for certain that some people can still feel uncomfortable to talk to me while I'm eating. It's like they don't know what to do with themselves and they can't make eye contact. They would rather look the other way and talk to me, if I'm eating, instead of looking towards me. It's like they feel embarrassed or exposed. Or they're looking at me, like I should feel either embarrassment or exposion. But aren't I just like everyone else. I need to eat, just like the rest of the world. I enjoy my food, just like the rest of the world. But suddenly, because I didn't always think like this, now I'm different?? When really I'm still me, the same person.

For instance, at Enya's birthday party last week, there was a friend of Orla's who used to be my roommate, when I was in college, 4 years ago. I haven't seen her since then. She had been hearing from Orla what I was going through. And at the party, it was strange because I wanted to talk to her and I could see that she wanted to talk to me too. But we never did.. because I knew it would be too awkward, because we'd want to talk about what we're both doing at the moment and then the "awkward subject" might arise. If she hadn't have known, I would have spoken to her. But she knew, and I'm not saying I'm ashamed of what has gone on in my life, but I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by putting her in the position of having to talk to me whilst being wary that she might be "stepping on my toes". It was a strange situation. Probably because we once knew each other pretty well (as you do when you share a house), and we don't anymore. It might not have been the best time either. This is just a small example. It wasn't a big deal, but it just brought up some of this stuff that I can relate to how other people, who are closer to me and with whom I have more contact than just 1 encounter in the space of 4 years, act around me.

On the otherhand, I admire the people who I haven't seen a lot over the past year and who don't feel uncomfortable when I'm eating and they're talking to me. It's great that not everybody is "scared" of what I've been through. It's so nice that it's not a taboo and that there is no "elephant in the room". Because if I were to be in the company of somebody who had through this, and I hadn't been through this, I honestly don't know how I'd feel to seeing that person eating or to talk about food with them. I can never know really, because I'll never be in that position. It's such a relief though that not everybody needs to distance themselves from that part of me. In a way, with certain people (and I'm not talking about close family), I feel that they want to either forget or ignore what has happened. But having said that, I don't want to talk about it that much myself either. It's happened, nothing more, nothing less. I know exactly who I can and can't talk to about it. And I also know, that just because I haven't spoken about it to certain people, it doesn't mean that they don't accept that part of me and it doesn't mean they are deliberately ignoring it.

For a while it was so important for everyone not to talk about it to me, because I didn't want to and I simply couldn't. It was better for them to distance themselves from it, to a certain extent. Also, not everybody can give a self-inflicted disease a place. They either can't comprehend how such a thing could happen or they can't cope with illness in general. It didn't matter though whether people could or couldn't deal with it, it was just something that wasn't spoken about. But now that things have dramatically changed, I can understand that most people feel they need to "test the water". Being afraid of saying the wrong thing, when they're in my company, is something that most people have felt wary about. This I know for a fact. It's like.. "What can we say to Niamh?" or "Will paying her a compliment, make her feel bad?". I appreciate other peoples' caution, really I do. I just wish that people didn't feel the need to be that way anymore. Because remarks, comments or compliments don't throw me off course or mess with my head. And if they do.. so what?? Then I can turn it around and learn from it. It's all apart of daily life now, and I need to be able to cope with it.

I sometimes wish that people wouldn't feel they need to act in a certain way when they're around me. I want them to see me as normal. I guess for some people it will take time, for them to see me as being "okay" again. The people that matter the most, have always seen me as normal and "okay", no matter how ill I was. I was always Niamh, and that's really all that matters to me. I'm aware that it needs to settle with some people. It even needed to settle with me too.. and I was going through it. So it's fine that some people need a while to feel totally familiar with me being myself again. In a way I'm therefore delighted that I'll be gone for a while. Because all the new people I'll be meeting, know nothing!! They'll just meet me, without that part of me having to be dealt with. It will be such a relief.. Now, I'm not saying that I want to bury this episode of my life and that I'll never tell anyone about it. But it will be such a joy to not be labelled or looked at in a certain way. And all the people that are here and know fractions of what has gone on, won't need to be confronted with adapting to my healthy state of being. I'll come back..and maybe then, all can be forgotten. Or maybe not forgotten, but there won't be any need for caution, on both parts.

At the moment, in some ways, it's still very raw. Whereas, when more time passes, it will have settled more. I'll have other things going on in my life and it will be a thing of the past. A word, a period or a chapter in my life, that will always be there, but that isn't the first thing people think of or see, whenever I pop into their vision. How nice that will be!