My tattoo story - 3

We were in the tattoo shop and I went first. As I sat there, I had to zone-out. In a way to deal with the pain. But also to stay strong and to focus on what was happening. I felt like I was undergoing a transformation and I didn't want to miss that moment. And believe me, I will never forget it. Because it hurt so so much. It was a different pain from the first tattoo. The skin is so sensitive on the inside of the arm. But besides that, there was so much going on. I was actually letting myself have my wings. I was putting something so special on my body and I felt great about it. The fact that my body was physically able to handle the pain, was a big thing. As I sat there, I knew that I was all better. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. Or else I would have felt guilty for getting my freedom back, I would have felt I didn't deserve it, and I would have been muddled-up during the days beforehand and afterwards. But I wasn't and for that I was ecstatic and relieved!

The first wing was done on my left arm. Then he started on the second one. The difference of pain between the 2 was big. The first arm was sorer than the second. So I thought I was getting through it alright. But just a minute or 2 before he was finished the last one, it started to get too much. The room started to go all funny, I could hardly hear the noises around me and my head was spinning. He stopped for a few minutes for a breather. I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the needle and the pain that got too much. Maybe it was the thought of what was happening. Maybe I was too emotional. Because at that stage I really wanted to cry. But as long as I didn't speak I was able to control it. Maybe it was a combination of all these things, that just made me feel the way I felt. Once I started to feel a bit better, I instantly wanted to be sick. But I just lay real still, and it passed.

It was all over and done with, 2 minutes later. And I was so happy, but didn't have the strength to do anything. I lay there for a few minutes, they gave me some coke (I can't remember when I had coke for the last time..but it was so nice!!!!) and I felt better. I couldn't look at the tattoos though. I was afraid of what seeing them would to do me. So they were covered with foil and then my sleeves.. I'd have the rest of my life to admire them! Then it was Emma's turn. How awful that must have been.. she didn't know what to expect, it was her first tattoo and having to go through it after seeing what it did to me.. But she was great. Now and then all she did was say: "ouw, ouw" and then she was fine. So strong she is!! I must admit that I was raging for the fact that I couldn't just sit there and not make such a drama out of it.. But hey-ho, that's just me.. It's never taken much for the room to start spinning and for the colour to drain from my face. So why would this time be any different..?? I wouldn't have changed it for anything though.

I walked out of there, and felt great! I couldn't believe that it had happened. As I already said, it was like going through therapy, without speaking. I was allowed to be proud for knowing that the time was right to get my wings, for coming up with the design, for allowing myself to get them and for (nearly) being physically able to endure the pain. It was a big thing, and I'm delighted how it all planned out. Getting them done with Emma, in that particular tattoo shop and the place I've given them on my body.. I couldn't be happier!

Another step, that I never imagined I'd get to see. But now, I've got them: My wings of freedom. To look at them, you need to use some imagination to see that they are actually wings. But I know what they are. I know what they represent and I know that for future reference I'll be needing them. Just one glimpse and I'll be able to see whatever I need to see at that moment, be it a difficult or joyous moment. There's so much there, that whenever times get tough, I'll be able to draw any kind of strength, courage, motivation or inspiration from them. For either a sense of pride and a reminder that I once wasn't free and how much I missed it. For some encouragement to always remain free in body, mind and soul. It can be motivation to always aim to be free from limitations, free from restrictions, free from grievances and free from addictions. It's all there for the taking, I can forever be free from physical limitations caused by lack of strength and with that type of freedom I'll be free in the world to go wherever I want or need to be. The root of this freedom, is in the spirals.. freedom comes from balance, creativity, growth and awareness.. Need I say anymore? I don't think so..because it's all in the wings.