A young girl, a wise lady and me

Last night I had a dream.
It involved an old wise lady, a young girl and me. We were living in a dorm, or a hospital, or some kind of ward, with rooms and rooms and rooms all with one bed each, that were being used for different purposes. I was there, because of the eating disorder. I remember I was talking to the old lady and I was telling her how happy I was that this place gave people with eating disorders a second chance in life. It gave them, or us, a place to recover, a place to receive therapy. It could have even be seen as a place of refuge. And for that, I was so grateful.

As we spoke, I remember being at the stage in my recovery, where I was having my first encounters with the outside world again. I was giving the eating disorder a place in my life and I was stepping away from it at the same time. I was coming to terms with "being recovered". I was stronger and I was willing to help others. I was ready to see what the disease actually meant to me and what it did. I was ready to make some sort of contribution when it came to others who are experiencing the same.

The lady I was with, worked there. Come to think of it, I reckon she was actually a nun. Then a young girl made her entrance. Me and the old lady wondered why she had come to stay in the this place. There could have been any number of reasons..as I already said; it was an institution with multiple purposes and dreams are always pretty vague with lots of different things going on, making it hard to establish what was exactly what. But there are always certain things that are so easy to recall.

In my dream, I didn't speak to this young, tall and extremely skinny looking girl. But I watched from afar and she looked lost. She dragged her suit case behind her, but didn't seem to know where she was going or why she had come to this place. But I knew. I took one look, and I said to the old lady that she in that same place as I once was, months and months ago. In my dream, I was due to leave this institution, convent, dorm or whatever place it was. But seeing this young girl, struck so many cords for me.

She was beautiful but lost. She was skinny but unhealthy. She was willing to get better, but had no recollection from what she was supposed to be recovering. The old lady went to meet her, as I stood by and watched. I could see by this young girls' actions that she was still full of life. I could hear by the way she spoke to the wise lady, that she felt there was nothing wrong with her. What she was doing there, she didn't know. I remember so vividly that all I wanted was to NOT leave that place, I wanted and almost needed to stay. Because I wanted to help her. I knew what was ahead of her. I knew how hard her recovery was going to get and I couldn't bear the thoughts of leaving, and me being recovered, while she was only starting her journey and would need all the help she could get.

I was borderline recovered. Probably where I am in real life too. I was just about to pack my bags. I was supposed to be getting my life back. Branching out in the world. But how could I? When I knew what was going on in that place? How could I turn my back, and forget about that poor lost soul? Could I pick myself up, be happy and relish in the fact that life is so beautiful, miraculous and special, seeing as though I can now properly enjoy the butterflies in my stomach caused by the excitement of being alive? Could I really do that, knowing that there is still so much illness, depression and misery in the world? It's still there but I'm not apart of it. Misery and depression no longer possessed me, I had fought out my demons. But that didn't necessarily mean the end of misery, full stop. It was still being experienced by so many others. Maybe I was scared that if I chose to be apart of that world, of that misery, then I could possibly want to feel that same pain and misery this young girl was going to experience throughout her recovery, which meant I was weak? Or was I not weak, but just being cautious and maybe I simply didn't want to run the risk of her behaviour rubbing off on me again? Maybe my recovery and my illness was still a little too raw to already start helping others?

All these questions with or without their answers, happened both in my dream and in my waking life. Because really it's all the same. This dream didn't really have an end. I woke up and I could recall these questions and feelings I just described. I woke up and they continued to play on my mind. Or, actually, no they didn't. It's only now that I'm rethinking this dream and seeing what I saw happen, that I'm seeing what's happening to me without taking into account if I'm awake or asleep. So it didn't end, this dream. I simply woke up, and it's still ongoing. But now however, it's not about this young girl who walked in, looking lost, dragging that suitcase behind her. She represents all the people who are needing help right now. Maybe my help. And the old wise lady, was Diann. She might not be old, in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense, she is.. Because she's so wise.

For days I've been wanting to do more. So much more to help those lost souls. But I don't know how. I'm feeling so good right now. But I can't shake that feeling that, now I'm seeing more clearly than I've ever seen in years, I'm capable of manifesting so much more. And after this journey, it's come to be about manifesting something regarding the the eating disorder. I'm not weak for wanting to be cautious right now. I'm wise for wanting to be aware or to become stronger. This dream was triggered by what has been preoccupying my mind the last few days. Or perhaps not preoccupying, but simply occupying, because there's nowhere else my mind is supposed to be right now, and there's nothing else that my mind should be focusing on. Could that be the reason for me wanting to do more, with my experience? I feel I can't just leave it be. Yes, I realize that I do need to give it a certain place. That's the direction I'm heading in, or the stage I find myself at right now. But I might not be able to rest easily until I feel I'm doing something more with it.

The main thing that can be done with this soup of emotions I've had to endure, is help others. I've been doing some research and I know how many people have been through this and who are already working so hard for the people suffering. So why would I think I should take it upon me, to do something extra? There are already thousands upon thousands of people doing so much. But then, isn't that a selfish or maybe a lazy attitude? Isn't it true that there's never enough help or support when it comes to illness? Especially not when it comes to eating disorders..as only people who have beaten them, realize that it's actually a disease. Others simply can never know, just like I once was.. I never knew, but I most certainly know now.

It's never easy knowing things for sure. But I do know, that it hurts thinking that I can't, or shouldn't feel that I have what it takes to put some more of what's in here, out there. It hurts to think I'd tell myself I don't deserve to experience what it's like to help others in need. It hurts to think that I'll never get to do anything more with this. But can I? Yes, I know I can, and that's why it hurts so much. So what does a person do, being in the position I find myself in right now? Do I tell myself to "get real" and forget about the others who are suffering? Do I tell myself that I don't have what it takes and force myself to move on? Do I let the idea sit for a while, until it gets overbearing and something more really needs to be done, in order to feel somewhat sane? I know this has served a purpose and I can already see so many of them that have started to take over my life. They are already here, with me. But it's not yet all of them. There's more, I simply know there is.. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.. Hopefully time will tell...as it usually does.

This dream, was so real and such an eye-opener too. What a wonderful thing..