Wobbly times - 2

Everything in moderation. That's the thing that applies to everything in this life. Pleasure in moderation, and pain in moderation. Too much pleasure can lead to addiction and too much pain can lead to experiences being clouded by discomfort. And who wants either? With alcohol, it gives us pleasure, to a certain extent. A few wines, or beers, can be so delicious. But to go too far changes the experience and it's no longer pleasurable. The pleasure got to such a high, that the thoughts of having more, felt nice, but really it's not. Because it then leads to pain and there's no more balance and days can get too hard. Episodes like this don't have to be major. They can maybe only last for some hours. But the length of it, isn't the issue. It's the mindsetting that comes along with it, and that can maybe last longer than the actual physical recovery, after indulging in too much alcohol accompanied with pleasure. But on the other hand, if I know all of this, and I know that I'll never do any damage to myself by getting too involved in the pleasure that alcohol gives me, then I'll never go too far, to the point of no return.. Alcohol was at times my escape. And it don't want it to be used for that reason anymore. So if I'm aware that party-mood that lasts longer than a few hours, will never be neverending, then can't I just feel at ease with having whatever I like, and leaving the guilt behind? I think I can..

I'm just still trying to find the balance, when it comes to alcohol. I've been without it for so long, after being with it for even longer, that it's been reintroduced to my new "me" and Ï'm being cautious of doing it right and mucking up my head, if I go too far too often. That's what happened before, I can see that now. And I think it's only natural for me to want and need to more switched-on, when it comes to alcohol. As I"m sitting here, feeling silly for analyzing it so much, I know it's not a bad thing that I'm doing this. I know I need it and I know that most of this does make sense..to me anyhow. So I'll leave the subject alone for the moment.

However, back to today, and back to what I know that I know.. and that's that last night, before going to bed, I was huge. I was fat again and despised myself for thinking that way about myself. Maybe it's because of everything I'm feeling at the moment. I'm a little on edge, maybe restless and maybe stressed. Because on Thursday night I felt like I'd finished everything I had to do in Holland. I felt like there was nothing more for me here, except for spending time with family and friends. But that's temporary and not something that I'm going to be building my life around. I'm picking my life back up, but not here. And as the week had drawn to an end, I felt more and more that I'm closing a chapter in my life. I've already spoken about Holland and how I'm leaving it behind and stuff, so I'm not going to go over that anymore. But it's still sad, no matter how certain I am that I've made the right decision about going to Australia.

So I know what's happening around me. And I'm relieved to say that I'm okay to leave here and I'm not okay with going back to Ireland. I know, after this week, that I'm still needing to find the balance, but that's normal. I also know that I can't remember the last time I felt so healthy and happy whilst being around family and friends here..it was probably before I left for Oz, in 2006. So that in itself is a huge difference. My mind and body feel so nourished, protected, safe, full of life and strong. Back in Ireland I never really felt it like I do here. Because there's nothing there, that can encourage me to push my boundaries and actually experience a full life with laughter and fun. It's all here, right now, and I've experienced it, this week. And I'm extactic now for my next step..which will be happening in 3 weeks time!!!!